What Are You Willing to Trade for Love? How Seeking Approval Undermines Self-Worth
Let’s get honest for a second.
What depth are you willing to go to feel accepted? What have you sacrificed—your identity, your voice, your peace—just to be loved by someone else?
I spent years searching for approval. I wanted to be loved so badly I lost myself in the process. Maybe it was the shame I carried. Maybe it was guilt over past choices, or the fractured relationship with my father. I had a deep, unshakable belief that I wasn’t worthy of love. And because I believed it, I kept finding experiences to prove it true.
So I shape-shifted. I forced myself into molds I thought others would like. I became who I believed they needed me to be. And for a while, it worked—until it didn’t. Eventually, being what they wanted meant I felt further and further away from who I really was.
And when I tried to be more of myself? Conflict happened.
I’d default back to old patterns because I didn’t have the confidence to stand in my truth. I didn’t know how to love myself without needing someone else’s permission to do so.
Why We Conform in Relationships
Let’s be real: we all fall into patterns. When our self-worth is shaky, we’re more likely to accept conditional love. The story running in the background sounds like this:
“If this person accepts me, then maybe I’m not as unlovable as I think I am.”
But even when we’re accepted, another story often rises:
“They only love me because they don’t really know me. If they knew the real me, they’d leave.”
So we hide. We perform. We play the role we think will keep us safe.
The result? Nobody wins. They don’t get to know the real you. And you continue to feel alone—disconnected, inauthentic, and quietly carrying the weight of shame, self-judgment, and unworthiness.
So How Do We Break the Cycle?
It starts with honesty.
We begin by exploring the patterns we’re in and unearthing the fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs that keep us stuck.
That means asking hard questions like:
What uncomfortable truths am I avoiding in my life?
How have I let others define my value?
Where have I traded my voice, intuition, or needs to keep someone else comfortable?
And then? We begin to reconnect with ourselves—especially the parts we’ve silenced or buried. As we rebuild that relationship with our inner voice, we begin to reclaim our confidence. And slowly, we learn to show up in our relationships more fully and more authentically.
This Is a Practice—Not a Quick Fix
Self-love and self-acceptance are not destinations.
They’re daily choices. Sometimes painful ones.
But the more we practice, the more natural it becomes to stop performing for love and start honoring who we really are.
It’s okay to take baby steps. It’s okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. That discomfort is part of the process—it’s a sign that something is shifting.
5 Journal Prompts to Deepen Self-Love and Acceptance
What have I been doing out of obligation, guilt, or expectation—and how do I feel about myself when I do?
What is my biggest fear when it comes to showing up authentically in my life?
If I didn’t carry that fear, how would I live differently right now?
What am I gaining by continuing to live this way, and what is it costing me?
If I loved and accepted myself even more than I do now, I would… (fill in the blank)
You Teach People How to Treat You
Loving and accepting yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never crave love from others. But it does mean you won’t shape-shift to get it.
When we start from self-acceptance:
We stop chasing validation
We build healthier relationships
We hold better boundaries
We show others what respectful love looks like—by modeling it for ourselves
Because the truth is, we can’t expect others to treat us well if we don’t believe we deserve it.
You Already Hold the Love You’re Seeking
As you peel back the stories, explore your fears, and reconnect with your truth, your confidence will grow.
You’ll feel more grounded. More whole.
And little by little, you’ll remember that what you’ve been searching for has always lived inside you.
You just need to be brave enough to take the next step.
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Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda
