Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard—And How to Start Anyway
As a psychotherapist, one topic that comes up with almost every client is boundaries. How do we set them, maintain them, and navigate the guilt that comes with feeling like we’re hurting people we care about?
We hear it all the time: “You need better boundaries.”
And sure, many of us know that on a surface level. But the real problem isn't knowledge. It's fear.
We fear setting boundaries because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. We’re afraid of being seen as selfish, mean, or difficult. We worry that if we speak up, someone might leave—or worse, harm us. So instead, we tolerate poor treatment and convince ourselves it’s easier than saying, “No, that’s not okay.”
The Root of the Boundary Struggle
Our struggle with boundaries usually starts in childhood. Many of us weren’t taught how to set healthy boundaries because we never saw it modeled. Think about your parents. How did they treat each other? What roles did they take on in the family? Was there always one person—often mom—sacrificing their needs to keep the peace?
You might’ve grown up with messages like:
“That’s just what families do for each other.”
“It’s selfish to put yourself first.”
“Be nice. Don’t upset anyone.”
While supporting the people we love matters, prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over our own needs is damaging. It trains us to ignore our instincts, abandon ourselves, and appease others just to feel safe. This kind of people-pleasing is often a trauma response.
When being "nice" is praised but asserting needs is shamed, it’s no wonder we struggle to say no.
What Happens When You Ignore Your Boundaries
When we dismiss our boundaries to make others happy, we fall into self-sacrificing patterns. We avoid "rocking the boat" and end up disappointing ourselves instead. It chips away at our:
Self-esteem
Self-trust
Sense of identity
And it reinforces harmful internal beliefs:
“My needs aren’t as important as theirs.”
“I’m not worthy of the same respect I give others.”
“If I stand up for myself, I’ll lose the relationship.”
Many of these beliefs are formed early. Whether taught directly or learned through experience, they become the lens through which we see ourselves—and they’re incredibly hard to unlearn.
Identifying What Your Boundaries Actually Are
Before you can set boundaries, you have to know what they are. That means getting clear on:
Your core values
Your expectations in relationships
Times you’ve said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”
Here are 12 questions to help you uncover your boundaries:
What do I value in relationships?
Where have I felt emotionally or physically violated in the past?
What have I said “yes” to that felt wrong or uncomfortable?
How did I feel afterward? Did I resent myself or the other person?
When have I agreed to something just to avoid conflict?
When have I abandoned my own needs to make someone else happy?
What’s my earliest memory of a boundary being crossed?
Have I ever had my boundaries respected? By whom?
What’s my biggest fear about setting a boundary?
Who is hardest for me to set boundaries with, and why?
Who is easiest for me to set boundaries with, and what makes that different?
What do I really believe about people who set boundaries?
This isn’t about judging yourself—it’s about getting honest. Once you identify your patterns and beliefs, it becomes easier to set boundaries that reflect who you are and what you need.
The Cost of Not Setting Boundaries
Whether you set the boundary or not, you’re going to feel discomfort. You might feel guilty for saying no, but you’ll likely feel resentment, anxiety, and shame if you say yes when you mean no.
That internal conflict chips away at your self-worth and reinforces negative self-talk.
Boundaries aligned with your values help you feel more grounded, respected, and emotionally safe. They can shift the dynamics of your relationships—and yes, that may mean some relationships end.
And while that can be painful, it also creates space for healthier, more supportive connections where you’re respected from the start.
Boundaries Are a Foundation of Healthy Relationships
If you’ve been told that setting boundaries is “mean,” let me offer you this: boundaries are one of the kindest things you can offer yourself and others. They create clarity, prevent resentment, and allow your relationships to be rooted in honesty and respect.
When you set and uphold boundaries:
You teach others how to treat you
You demonstrate self-respect
You protect your energy and peace
You shift from self-sacrifice to self-alignment
Healthy relationships are built on open communication and clear expectations. Boundaries are not barriers. They're bridges—to connection, safety, and healing.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries is hard—but not setting them is harder.
Your needs matter. Your voice matters. And your relationships can grow stronger when you start showing up for yourself.
