Is This Normal Conflict or an Abusive Relationship? How to Tell the Difference
Someone recently asked me:
“How do I know if I’m in an abusive relationship—or if this is just normal conflict?”
This is a deep, complicated question that doesn’t come with a checklist or a one-size-fits-all answer. Understanding the difference requires honesty about your relationship dynamics, how you feel in the relationship, and whether there’s an imbalance of power and safety.
First: Conflict Is Normal. Abuse Is Not.
Let’s start here—conflict is part of every relationship. It’s unrealistic to expect two people with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives to agree on everything. From parenting styles to household responsibilities to how often you have sex, differences will come up. That’s normal.
Sometimes you’re aligned. Other times, your values and expectations evolve. Conflict doesn’t mean a relationship is broken—it’s how we handle conflict that matters.
What’s important to understand is that conflict is not the same as aggression, cruelty, or control.
Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be unsafe.
What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like?
In a relationship with healthy conflict:
Both people are open to hearing each other’s perspectives
You can express disagreement without fear of retaliation
There's space to feel uncomfortable without being unsafe
Misunderstandings lead to conversations, not punishment
Even when it's hard, you're able to come back together, repair, and grow.
What Does Abuse Look Like?
Abuse is about power and control—not misunderstanding or miscommunication. It can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or psychological. It can be overt, or subtle and hard to detect. Abuse is often rooted in reactivity, but reactivity does not justify harmful behavior.
Some examples of abusive behavior include:
Insults, put-downs, or emotional manipulation
Controlling your finances, decisions, or movements
Physical harm or threats of violence
Coercion or forced sex
Stonewalling, gaslighting, or chronic neglect
Even if it's “unintentional,” abuse still causes real damage. And over time, it erodes your sense of self, safety, and trust.
How to Tell the Difference
Ask yourself:
Do I feel emotionally or physically safe in this relationship?
Do I feel seen, heard, and valued—or do I feel small, scared, or silenced?
When I express concerns, is my partner open to listening—or do they shut me down, mock me, or retaliate?
Am I constantly managing their emotions to avoid conflict or harm?
If you feel like you need to walk on eggshells, stay quiet to avoid being punished, or shape-shift to stay “safe,” those are red flags. These patterns aren’t just signs of poor communication—they may indicate emotional or psychological abuse.
Why Leaving Isn’t Always Simple
You might be wondering: If someone’s in an abusive relationship, why don’t they just leave?
The truth? Leaving an abusive relationship is complex—and often dangerous. Abuse rarely starts on day one. It’s a gradual breakdown of boundaries, self-trust, and identity. Many survivors internalize the belief that they’re the problem—that they’re broken, flawed, or unworthy of something better.
And if they grew up in a home where abuse was normalized, these dynamics might feel disturbingly familiar—maybe even like love.
Questions to Help You Reflect
If you’re unsure whether you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship, pause and check in with yourself:
How do I feel in this relationship—loved, valued, and safe, or fearful, confused, and unworthy?
Do I feel like I can speak honestly with my partner, or do I stay silent to protect myself emotionally or physically?
Has my partner been willing to listen and work on issues when I’ve shared concerns—or do they dismiss and demean me?
If these questions bring up flashbacks, anxiety, or an intense emotional reaction… pay attention.
That may be your body telling you you’re not in a safe environment.
It’s Okay If You Don’t Have All the Answers Yet
This blog is not a diagnosis. It’s an invitation—to pause, to reflect, and to honor your inner experience.
If reading this sparked concern, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Please reach out for professional help. There are people trained to support you in making sense of what you’re going through and figuring out the next steps—whatever those may be.
If you need help finding a therapist or domestic violence advocate in your area, please reach out. I’d be honored to help you find someone.
You deserve safety, connection, and love that doesn’t hurt.
You are not the problem. You are not broken.
You are worthy of support.
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Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda
