How to Stop Seeking the Approval of Others
What depth are you willing to go to get the love and approval of others?
One of the things I’ve searched for everywhere in my life was the love and approval of others. It took me to some pretty dark and wildly intense places. Maybe it was because of the shame I carried, or the guilt I felt for my past actions and choices, or the self-judgment I used against myself or it could have even been the break in my relationship with my father at a young age that had me searching for the love and approval of others. I had this underlying belief that I wasn’t worthy of love because of all the bad things I’d done in my life and had the life experiences to prove it.
So, I tried fitting into other people’s molds, forcing myself to be what I thought they wanted because if they loved me, I would be okay. But in the end, I felt less and less like myself. What’s worse was when they began expecting me to be that way all the time, and when I strayed, tried to improve or change, be a little more of myself, conflict ensued and my lack of self esteem and self love brought me back to repeating the patterns of that relationship. All because I didn’t have the confidence to love myself as I was.
Falling into patterns and behaving the way people in our lives expect us to is something that happens to us all.
When we struggle with self worth and self esteem issues, we find ourselves in relationships where other people put conditions on us and we readily accept them. The underlying story is this, “if this person loves and accepts me, well then it means the story of who I believe I am, as a worthless piece of shit unworthy of love, isn’t true.”
But here’s the thing, those stories don’t go away when someone else accepts and loves us. Another self sabotaging story is at play and comes up to the surface “they only love and accept me because they don’t know the real me. Because if they knew me, the way I do, then they wouldn’t want to be with me.” So we continue to hide, conforming to the conditions and playing the game so they don’t find out who we really are.
In the end we all lose. They lose because they don’t get to know who we are and we lose because we not only don’t share beautiful pieces of ourselves with others, but we continue to live inauthentic lives that feed the stories of unworthiness, shame, self-judgment and feelings of inadequacy.
So what do we do? How do we start unpacking the stories and increasing our self love and acceptance?
We start where we are, exploring the patterns we’ve found ourselves in and unearthing the fears, anxieties and limiting beliefs we’ve been carrying around with us by being honest with ourselves about what’s uncomfortable in our lives. We get honest about how we’ve been influenced by others and how we’ve accepted external conditions to measure our self worth against. And we dive into the ways we’ve disconnected from ourselves and our feelings. Through this, we begin to rebuild the relationship with our inner voice, as known as our intuition. And the more comfortable we become with ourselves, the more confidence we are able to access, thereby being able to share more of who we are in our relationships.
This can seem like a great undertaking but it’s about the baby steps and opening ourselves up to getting uncomfortable, moving through the stories, feelings and emotions, so we can become more comfortable and confident within ourselves.
You can begin this process by exploring these 5 questions/journal prompts to help you deepen your self love and acceptance.
What things have I been doing out of obligation, expectation or guilt in my relationships. And how do I feel about myself when I do them?
What is my biggest fear, when it comes to showing up authentically in my life?
If I didn’t have this fear story, how would I be showing up in my life right now?
What benefits am I gaining from continuing to live the way I am?
If I loved and accepted myself even more than I do right now, I would………
Loving and accepting ourselves as we are requires us to be kind to and patient with ourselves.
This is a practice, one that we show up to again and again. When we begin with self love and acceptance, we stop looking to be accepted and loved by others, because we are grounded in the knowing that we are loved and worthy just as we are. We stop trying to be things we aren’t and stop doing things to be loved and accepted. We hold better boundaries in our relationships and become the model of how we are to be treated.
Because the truth is, we cannot expect someone to treat us how we long to be treated if we aren’t willing to treat ourselves this way.
As you unpack the stories, explore the roots of fear, and lean into self-acceptance and self love, your level of personal comfortability and self confidence will rise. Never forget, what you are seeking is already within you, you only have to be brave enough to take the next step.
If you are navigating a divorce, getting ready to or recently went through one and want some emotional support through the process, Join the Braving Divorce and Thriving Beyond Community
Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda