How to Survive the Early Days of Divorce
“How are you dealing with the divorce?” they ask me with a solemn and sad look on their face.
Divorce is hard. Ending a relationship that helped you reconnect with yourself and grow deeply is difficult. Moving forward through the loss and the heartache can take a toll on someone even when it’s the right thing to do.
If you lean too far one way, you risk toxic positivity, gaslighting your emotions and being dishonest with yourself. You don’t process the hurt, fear, and loss that you’re going through.
However, if you lean too far the other way, you risk getting stuck in all the “what ifs” “if onlys,” self-judgment and despair of your situation. So, how do you balance the loss with how this change is perfect for you?
Well, to be honest I’m still finding my way through it. And here’s what I’ve learned so far through this two month journey - It’s a balance and sometimes you will swing between one extreme or the other. Self Care, Honoring, Empathy, Realness and Open Heartedness will help you through this transition and are the very things I've been leaning into.
Two months ago when my husband told me he wanted a divorce, I felt a rush of relief. Finally he was being honest. Finally, I had some definitive answer about our relationship instead of this ambiguous question of wondering whether our relationship was going to end or get better. I now knew that we were going to be calling it quits.
So, I put on my brave face and agreed that it was for the best because deep inside I knew neither one of us was happy. I was also tired of trying to be the perfect wife and pretend to the outside world that everything was okay. I put on my brave face and began the journey of untangling 14 years of my life from this man.
I’ve been putting on my brave face for years but this time it felt different because I wasn’t trying to ignore my feelings, I was choosing how to take care of myself through them. Over the past two months I’ve moved back home with my mom, had the talk about how we will divide the assets, and filed for divorce.
I’ve also done something else. I’ve been leaning into my practice of Self Care. Self Care has been the thing I haven’t always been good at maintaining in relationships because I was so busy trying to make sure the other person was happy, which left me ignoring myself and my needs.
When the question comes up from someone about how I’m doing or dealing with it, I feel the twinge of anxiety, and feel the need to be brave and show how strong I am. However, I’m not choosing my brave face to cover things up. I’m being honest with them and myself by saying things like, “I’m working through it by taking care of myself.” Because to be honest, taking care of ourselves, is exactly what practicing self care means.
Now you might be wondering, what kinds of things are you doing? And I’d tell you, I’m listening to my body and soul. I am relaxing more and giving myself breaks and the benefit of the doubt. I’m doing things on a consistent basis like visiting the float spa. I’m choosing less busyness and letting go of the need to show up perfectly. I’m allowing myself to feel my way through this without judgment or making myself wrong.
Many of us never learned that it's okay to feel angry, disappointed, sad or to grieve. Many times we are told to “buck up” and “it could be worse” or “at least you have your health” or even “you’re better off without him.” All of these things could be true but they aren’t always helpful.
Friends and family are well intentioned when they say things like this but many times they don’t know how to deal with “uncomfortable” feelings like sadness and anger so they try to shift you out of them as quickly as they can. I’ve learned through this experience that it’s okay to be sad. We need to allow ourselves to feel the loss and also love ourselves through it because we are the only ones who know what we really need.
Right now you might be saying things like, “How do I do this, how do I give myself what I need? Shit how do I even know what I need?” “I’m really bad at self care” “I don’t have the money to take care of myself.” I get it, choosing to practice something you are out of practice with takes time but it doesn’t have to take a lot of money.
This is where you decide that you are going to build, rebuild or even strengthen the connection you have with yourself. Now is the time you choose to prioritize your needs over everyone and everything else - yes prioritizing your needs above all else. It can be uncomfortable when you start and even when you're on the road, because you’re giving yourself the permission you may never have before.
There is no perfect science of how to navigate through this process. I’d be lying to you if I said, “Do these three things and then everything will be better and your life will be back on track or you’ll be totally over this.” You already know life doesn’t work this way and anyone who tells you that is a con artist selling snake oil.
Life is a series of events and experiences that impact us and the way we “get through them” is critical. The more we can distance ourselves from self-judgment by leaning in and exploring the stories we have about ourselves and our experience with empathy and kindness, the more likely we are to move through with grace, confidence and our head held high, even when we are shedding tears.
I’ve done this through writing, listening to what my body is asking for and honoring the soft voice of my heart by leaning in and asking her “What do you need right now?”
I spend time writing what I’m feeling in a journal not every day, but when it feels right. I explore my emotions and just let the thoughts flow without judging them. I give myself space to breathe and sometimes I burn a shitload of sage or a candle to help me deepen into my breath. I’ve been listening to my body when it comes to fitness and nutrition, not from a judgment space, but from the loving voice of “What would make you feel good right now?”
And that's the biggest thing… Answering the question “What would make me feel really good right now?” Of course avoiding to act upon an urge to be vindictive, manipulative or aggressive toward the other person. Feeling all of these things is normal, but acting on them is a whole other story.”
If you’re navigating through a divorce and are trying to lean into a practice of self care, you can start here:
Set yourself in a quiet place
Take a few deep breaths, breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7, breathe out for 8. Repeat 3-4 times.
Visualize moving from your brain and into your heart
Take a couple more deep breaths while connecting with your heart
Then ask her, “What do you need right now?” “What would make you feel good?” “What would honor your needs?”
Then write down what she says.
Quieting your inner critic may be difficult at first and you might need to lean deeper into the breathing and HERO practice of Empathy before it feels comfortable. Just keep trying and remind yourself:
YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth your time, your love and your devotion.
What you need matters.
You are going to get through this. You have done brave and hard things before. You are not broken. You are the HERO you’ve been looking for and she is ready to guide you home.
Keep Being Bravely You!