“Why Did I Stay So Long?”: Exploring the Truth Behind Our Relationship Choices
The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend when she stopped mid-sentence and said:
“Why did I put up with this for so long?”
She was talking about her partner—the slow unraveling of their relationship, how different things felt now from the beginning. Her voice softened as she added:
“It gets so confusing because there’s love and good stuff… right alongside all the pain.”
“When do we stop suffering?”
I didn’t have an answer for her right away. But her questions? They struck a nerve.
They got me thinking about my own separation and impending divorce—and everything that led to this moment in my life.
The Short Answer to “Why Did I Stay?”
The unhelpful but honest answer might be:
“I don’t know. You just did.”
But if we’re being real, we do know why we stay.
We stay because of love.
Because of hope.
Because of fear.
Because it once made sense—even if it doesn’t anymore.
The Woman I Was Then Isn’t the Woman I Am Now
When I met my (now second) husband, I was about two years out of my first marriage to a narcissistic, toxic man. I hadn’t dealt with the deep shame or emotional wounds from that relationship—I thought he was the problem. I thought I was fine.
I wanted something light. Fun. Judgment-free.
I didn’t want to answer hard questions or reveal my pain. I didn’t even really want to talk about what I needed or loved. I just wanted to be accepted.
So I stayed small.
I quieted parts of myself.
I downplayed my interests.
I became who I thought he wanted.
And that’s what shame does—it convinces us to disown the most beautiful parts of who we are.
But This Relationship Gave Me Something Important
It gave me space.
It gave me comfort.
It gave me permission to begin healing—one toe at a time.
This was the relationship that helped me start doing the deep inner work I had been avoiding.
It served a purpose. It mattered. Even if it didn’t last forever.
I Stayed Because…
I felt safe (enough)
I felt loved (sometimes)
I didn’t feel judged
We shared joy, laughter, travel, interests
I believed in his potential
I hoped things would change
I wasn’t ready to leave
I chose to stay
And I want you to hear this clearly:
That doesn’t make me wrong, weak, or broken.
It makes me human.
Here’s the Truth About Growth No One Tells You
When you grow, your relationships might not grow with you.
When you heal, some people won’t come along for the ride.
When you choose yourself, things will fall apart—and that’s not a bad thing.
You won’t be the same on the other side. And your relationships may not survive your becoming.
That’s what makes real growth so scary. And so necessary.
Why Do We Stay Too Long? Let’s Be Honest.
Because we want it to get better.
Because we remember the good days.
Because we hope.
Because we fear the unknown.
Because we don’t want to be the one who gives up.
Because change is hard.
Because we still see the potential.
But hanging on to hope for what might be can keep us from honoring what actually is.
When we ignore what’s real right now—when we keep waiting for things to go back to how they used to be—we risk losing connection not just with our partner, but with ourselves.
So... When Do We Stop Suffering?
That’s the big one, isn’t it?
Suffering is part of the human experience.
To know joy, we must also know sadness.
To appreciate the light, we must walk through the dark.
But here’s what I’ve come to believe:
We stop suffering when we stop judging ourselves.
When we let go of the shame.
When we release the idea that we made the “wrong” choice.
When we stop punishing ourselves for staying—or for leaving.
We suffer less when we practice Honoring—one of the HERO tools I live by.
Honoring allows us to look at our lives with truth and tenderness, instead of shame and blame.
Not Every Relationship Is Meant to Last Forever
Sometimes, it’s okay to stay.
Sometimes, it’s okay to go.
There is no “right” or “wrong.” Just what is true for you in this moment.
It doesn’t matter if you stayed one year or twenty-five—you can still reclaim yourself now.
5 Journal Prompts to Reflect On Your Relationship Journey
If you're trying to make sense of why you stayed, or what to do next, try exploring these questions:
When I met my partner, what was I really looking for in a relationship?
Where have I been judging myself—or them?
What am I afraid will happen if I leave this relationship?
What has this relationship taught me about myself and what I want from a partner?
Would I want this exact relationship for someone I love—like my child, sibling, or best friend?
Final Thought: You Are Allowed to Evolve
You’re allowed to choose something new.
You’re allowed to be different now than you were then.
You’re allowed to stop suffering—not because the relationship was bad, but because you’re ready for something more aligned.
Making a decision about your life is an act of self-trust.
So build that trust with your inner voice.
Let her guide the way.
She’s been waiting for you to listen.
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Keep Being Bravely You!
