How to Create a New Normal (and Rekindle the Parts of Yourself You Lost)
When you’ve been one version of yourself for a long time, how do you begin to shift?
How do you identify yourself differently?
How do you redefine what “normal” even means?
These are the exact questions I’ve been exploring for myself as I take intentional steps to rediscover, realign, and redesign my life after divorce.
You Can’t Create a New Normal Without Disrupting the Old One
Hitting reset on your life—especially after a long-term relationship—takes a mix of:
Compassion
Curiosity
Patience
Honesty
And the willingness to dig into your old patterns (so you don’t recreate the same life with different characters)
Here’s the thing about being human: we crave consistency. We like knowing what to expect. Predictability gives us a sense of safety—it regulates our nervous systems.
But how we define “safety” often has more to do with how we were raised than how we want to live.
When I went through trauma training years ago, one thing stuck with me more than anything else:
“What we learn and come to expect in our family becomes our definition of safety—and our belief about the world.”
That means your first experiences of routine, love, and conflict laid the groundwork for what feels “normal,” even if it wasn’t healthy or fulfilling.
When You Don’t Heal the Pattern, You Repeat It
Here’s my truth:
Despite how different my two marriages were, I recreated many of the same patterns the second time around.
Trying to please
Absorbing my partner’s preferences into my identity
Avoiding conflict
Shrinking myself
Believing I was the problem
Not speaking up when it mattered
That wasn’t about them. That was about me.
Because when we don’t do the work, we repeat the work. New person, same story.
Ending a Relationship Is a Doorway to Rediscovery
You don’t need to have it all figured out to begin.
But you do need to pause long enough to ask yourself:
“What patterns did I fall into?
What parts of myself did I cast aside?”
This isn’t about blaming or shaming. It’s about reclaiming.
Rekindling your spark starts with honest reflection—and a commitment to explore what makes you feel alive, connected, and whole.
Getting Uncomfortable Is the First Step
Leaving a relationship is uncomfortable—which is why so many of us stay.
We cling to “the devil we know,” even when it’s not working.
Starting over feels like a risk. Because it is.
But you know what else is risky? Staying stuck in something that doesn’t serve you.
For me, this journey has looked like stretching into the unknown—balancing on one foot, one hand reaching forward while the other lets go of what was.
It’s scary. It’s exhilarating. And it’s absolutely worth it.
No, You Don’t Have to Be Like Me—But What If You Already Are?
You might be reading this thinking,
“That sounds great, but I’m not ready for all that.”
Maybe.
But maybe... you already are doing the work just by reading this.
Maybe showing up for your discomfort is braver than you give yourself credit for.
I spent years overdoing, overthinking, over-perfecting. Now, as I rebuild my life, I can feel just how exhausted I was.
This is what creating a new normal is all about:
Pausing long enough to ask:
How do I want to feel?
What actually brings me peace, joy, and pleasure?
Is how I’m living getting me closer to that feeling—or farther away?
Let’s Redesign What Normal Means—for You
If you're in a transition season, use these journal prompts to explore what you want your life to feel like now:
How do I want to feel in my life—daily, not someday?
What has been part of my old “normal”?
What feelings did it give me?
Do I want to keep it?
Is there something else I could do that would feel better?
What’s missing from my life right now (emotionally or experientially—not people)?
How can I bring those missing pieces in, even once a week or month?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You don’t need a five-year plan.
You just need to show up for yourself, one small step at a time.
This Isn’t a To-Do List—It’s a Coming Home
Redefining your life after a major transition is deeply personal.
It’s not about becoming someone new—it’s about becoming more you.
For me, that looks like hiking, spending time outside, and being fully present with myself.
For you, it might be something entirely different.
But the more you slow down and ask what you need, what you want, what makes you feel whole—the more aligned your life will feel.
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