You Can’t Go Back to Who You Were Before the Relationship — And That’s a Good Thing
Someone recently asked me:
“How do I get back to who I was before my relationship and divorce happened?”
I looked at her and said, with all the compassion in the world:
“You can’t. That shit changed you. It left a mark. What you can do is rediscover, redefine, and realign with who you are now — and what you want going forward.”
The Question That Changed Everything for Me
As I moved through the end of my own marriage and transitioned back into being a single woman, I found myself asking:
“Who was I before I met him?”
And honestly? The first time I sat with that question, my mind went blank.
I had no clue. It felt like a lifetime ago.
Back then, I was finishing grad school — working on my Master’s degrees in Social Work and Criminal Justice.
I realized that the woman I was then? She was disconnected. She didn’t fully value herself. She chased love and validation from outside herself, hoping someone else could fill the void. She was looking for a knight in shining armor — not realizing that the only one who could really save her was her.
But here’s the thing: I don’t want to go back to being her.
Because I know more now. I love myself more now. I’ve lived, learned, and leveled up.
You Don’t Need to Go Back — You Get to Go Forward
Rediscovering yourself isn’t about “getting back” to who you were.
It’s about becoming who you are now.
It’s about peeling back layers, exploring your values, processing grief, healing old wounds, and choosing what matters to you today.
Ask yourself:
What brings me joy now?
What am I curious about now?
What’s no longer aligned — and what am I finally ready to release?
Each experience, each relationship, each heartbreak teaches us something. It doesn’t just tell us about other people — it gives us clarity about ourselves.
Redefining Your Life After Divorce
When my most recent marriage ended, I started asking different questions:
What’s important to me now?
What causes do I want to support?
What have I always wanted to try that I never made time for?
Living life is always a risk. Getting married again after already being divorced? Definitely a risk. But so is growth. So is choosing yourself.
Rediscovering yourself isn’t about going back. It’s about becoming something new — someone stronger, wiser, and more aligned.
This Is What Healing Looks Like
Through this process, I’ve realized something important:
I don’t want a partner to save me.
I want someone who will join me on the adventure.
I want to do things that light me up — not because they’re impressive or acceptable, but because they’re mine.
Maybe that’s kayaking. Maybe it’s fly fishing. Maybe it’s speaking up and not shrinking when I feel judged.
I want to live without regrets. I want to take chances. I don’t want to be ruled by other people’s fears, doubts, or opinions.
I want to stand in the unknown and say,
“I don’t know where this road is taking me, but I trust myself—and I know I’m supported.”
And I am.
Use These Journal Prompts to Reconnect With You
Grab your journal and take some time with these prompts:
Who was I before this relationship?
What was I searching for at the time?
What did this relationship teach me about myself?
What do I want now — in life, in love, in partnership?
What’s important to me now that maybe wasn’t before?
These are not easy questions. But they are transformational.
You’re Allowed to Change — In Fact, You’re Supposed To
We are not static beings. You are not the same person you were five years ago, and you won’t be the same five years from now.
Growth is your birthright. Evolution is the point.
When you stop doing what you’ve always done just to feel safe or accepted, you create space for something better. Something more you.
Final Thoughts
Each relationship, each heartbreak, and each new beginning is a chance to refine who you are. A chance to stand a little taller, speak a little louder, and love yourself a little more fiercely.
You do not have to “get back” to anything. You get to rise forward.
Be bold enough to name what you want.
Be brave enough to go after it.
And be proud of who you’re becoming.
If you want more content like this, follow me on Instagram, and subscribe to my newsletter. No spam, only great content to help you on your journey.
Keep Being Bravely You
Amanda
